Thursday evening – A bar in Shoreditch (which shall remain nameless)
I clocked her as soon as she walked through the door with her two cute friends. To be honest, I would have gone balls deep* in all three of them but she was definitely my favourite: an easy eight out of ten, maybe higher. The moment she sat down I started eye-fucking* her and to my delight she reciprocated, coyly at first, stealing subtle glances when she thought I was busy, but the more she drank, the more obvious it became – alcohol: a barman’s best friend!
She’d already been to the bar twice, ordering her drinks with a nervous smile; I’d been polite and teased her a little about the pornstar martinis (standard barman banter) but I hadn’t made my move yet – in the urban jungle, that is London, patience is key and timing is everything: if a lion pounces too soon, the gazelle will hop away unscathed, but if he waits for the gazelle to drop its guard then – BOOM! It’s dinnertime.
I watched as she approached the bar again, noticing how her body language had completely changed: she was standing taller now; flicking her hair from side to side and smiling brightly; I’m pretty sure she’d undone a few buttons on her blouse too, there was definitely more cleavage on show – this could only mean one thing – it was time to attack!
“You again! This is like the third time you’ve been to the bar now! Are you buying drinks for everyone?”
“No – I just like the view from up here that’s all.”
“Ha, somebody’s suddenly come to life! It’s not such a bad view from behind here either – so what can I get you?”
“Three more pornstars, please.”
“Hmm, and what do I get in return?”
“Umm… paid – what else do you want?”
“Plenty – but I’ll start with your number.”
“I don’t give my number to strangers.”
“And you shouldn’t either, London is a dangerous place. My phone is downstairs anyway. Why don’t you come down to the office with me and we can get properly acquainted.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, why not, I’m sure the guys can hold the fort for five minutes.”
“Hmm, ok – but no funny business mister.”
“Ok, follow me… umm… what was your name again?”
“Lauren. And yours is?”
“I’m O, nice to meet you Lauren.”
“The pleasures all mine Mr O.”
“It will be very soon.”
“Ha, you’re too cheeky. I’m not sure this is such a good idea.”
“What’s the worst that can happen – five minutes, I promise.”
“Ok, but you better behave – I mean it!”
“You have my word – scout’s honour.”
And if she believed that, she’d believe anything! As soon as we were out of the bar, I led her into the storeroom, closing the door behind me – there was no escape now.
“This isn’t an office!”
“And my phone is in my back pocket, but now we are all alone.”
“What happened to scout’s honour?”
“They threw me out of the scouts for sleeping with all the brownies at camp.”
“I knew you were trouble!”
“Yet you still came…”
“So what are you going to do to me now?”
“Why don’t you come here and find out.”
“Is it safe in here?”
“Yeah, don’t worry, nobody comes in here during the evening.”
“Hmm, how often do you do this?”
“Never! This is the first time, I promise, but you’re beautiful and I couldn’t wait all night. Just think of this as a warm up. When I finish work, I’ll take you back to mine for the main event.”
“I can’t believe I’m doing this. How much alcohol did you put in those drinks?”
“Just a little bit more than usual…”
Time was of the essence so I stepped closer, kissing her against the boxes of straws and napkins. It didn’t take long for her to get into the swing of things and soon we were grinding against each other, as stock went tumbling about all around us. Undoing her blouse, I pulled down her bra, releasing her hard little nipples. She moaned and groaned as I sucked and caressed them, before moving my hands down and hitching up her skirt. Reaching down and grabbing her firm ass cheeks, I thrust against her, dry humping like a couple of teenagers – although in all honesty, she probably wasn’t much older than twenty-one. And as tight as a tiger, I might add.
As the rhythm got more intense, and the room hit about 5.5 on the Richter scale, she knelt down and unzipped me. Unleashing my cock, which was eager to join the party.
“Wow, you’re huge!”
“Ha, thanks – I call it my WMS.”
“What does that stand for?”
“Weapon of Mass Seduction.”
“Ha-ha, that’s so cheesy!”
“How dare you! I clean it after every use – you could eat your dinner of this thing.”
“You could host a dinner party on it more like!”
“Well you know what they say – bon appetite.”
I watched for a while as she sucked me – is there a more wondrous sight? But I was weary of the time so I lifted her off her knees and bent her over a table. Yanking down her tights and pulling her underwear to the side, I plunged my cock inside – I swear it squealed like a kid on a rollercoaster as it slid into her glistening pussy!
As I went balls deep, pounding her from behind, she screamed for more – a couple of pornstar martinis had turned this girl into a freak! I guess you really are what you eat, or drink in this case.
Planting my feet, I gave her all I had – but she still wanted more!
“Harder, harder – FUCK ME!”
Thinking fast, I started spanking her – lightly at first, but she was clearly enjoying so I hit her more forcefully:
“Yes, yes – don’t stop, don’t stop – I’m getting close!”
Raising my hand high, like a Roger Federer forehand, I was about to go in for the kill when the door burst open and Igor, our giant Polish doorman, came rushing in!
“Ahh, for fuck sakes O! I thought we were getting robbed! I should have known it would be you again – you must have had sex in every room in this building by now!”
“Wait a minute, I thought you said this was the first time you’d done this!”
“Well, it’s the first time in this room so technically I wasn’t lying.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a dick!
“Wait Lucy, I can explain.”
“It’s Lauren you asshole!”
And that’s when she slapped me. Did I deserve it? Of course, was it worth it? You bet Lu – I mean – Lauren’s sweet ass it was.
“Come on man, cover yourself up. And why the fuck are you still hard!”
“Does a lion go soft mid-kill? Damn it Igor, couldn’t you have waited a few minutes, or at least knocked – I’m going to have blue balls all night now! Maybe I should just finish myself off right now to teach you a lesson.”
“You British guys are fucking weird. Just clean this mess up and keep that big ugly dick away from me.”
I should have slapped him across his big King Kong head with it, but he does mixed martial arts, so I decided to let him off.
When I got back to the bar, Lauren and her friends had already gone and I had to spend the next few hours lost in a semen mist*. My dick was so angry, I had to strap it to my leg like a straightjacket to stop it going on a rampage through the bar.
A few hours later…
Well, thank fuck that shift is over; I thought it would never end!
Apologies – you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on! I guess I should start by introducing myself: I’m O, as you probably gathered, I’m thirty-two years old and I grew up in Wales. Although nowadays I reside in this wicked and wondrous city and I love every minute of it – the good, the bad and even the ugly, if I’m drunk enough. I try not to go below a five out of ten though, but sometimes, shit happens.
I guess you could call me a manwhore, which isn’t that dissimilar to a normal guy. The main difference being: one has a good angel and a bad angel on either shoulder, helping them to make balanced decisions in life; whereas the other has two horny little devils poking their dirty mischievous penises in his ears, and scrambling his brain – it’s what I like to call ‘the semen mist’ (see below).
Back in the good old days, guys like me used to be called rogues, scoundrels, players and cads. But these days we are reviled in the same way as criminals, terrorists and even politicians! We’re not bad people; I still help little old ladies to cross the street; I just take them home and fuck them afterwards – that was a joke by the way. Well, unless they were smoking hot. Then you could add Blue-Rinse to Black, Asian, South American, and Eskimo. Ok, I haven’t slept with an Eskimo yet, but there’s still time. There’s bound to be an Inuit community hidden away somewhere in London and when I find it they better lock up their daughters, their wives and maybe even their grans – just to be safe.
So why am I talking to you? I hear you ask – I guess the simple answer is, why not. People say Paris is the city of love, well if that’s true then London is most definitely the city of lust, and who better to guide you through it than yours truly. Although you don’t have to come along, I’m not going to force you. There’s no BDSM stuff going on here – apart from a little spanking from time to time of course. This is more of a Matrix situation: take the red pill and join me on my amorous odyssey, or take the blue pill and carry on living your normal, innocent lives – the choice is yours.
If you do choose to follow me then I will share my sometimes funny, sometimes fantastical but always filthy stories, whilst occasionally delving into past experiences to show you how the art of snaking* and, indeed, dating has evolved in the 21st century – not to mention my own evolution from innocent boy to mighty, all-conquering, manwhore – kind of like an X-rated He-Man.
You see, the modern-day manwhore has an arsenal of weaponry at his disposal, with the Internet, and dating apps, like Tinder and Happn, making going balls deep as easy as ordering a pizza from Domino’s! Although, if you persevere, you may be surprised, who knows, I might even meet the girl of my dreams, but don’t hold your breath; if I don’t meet the ‘one’, there’s always the next one…
I’m off to meet my fuck buddy now, well one of them anyway – I need to clear the mist or I’ll never sleep!
Wish me luck, and in the words of Marvin Gaye: “Let’s get it on…” 😉
*Balls deep – Sexual intercourse.
*Eye-fucking – To catch a girl’s gaze, and hold it, letting her know that you want her – once you’re locked in, she’s yours.
*Semen mist – An intense state of arousal that clouds your judgment, leading sufferers to see every girl through a haze of horniness. The only way to cure this is to go balls deep, but beware – when the mist clears you could be in for a nasty surprise!
*Snaking – To seduce a girl, by any means necessary, with the aim of going balls deep (see above).